Hii I am Diamond.Welcome to my world of life lessons. During the period of depression stress and enxity I learnt so much lessons i believe if we open up and express and shares our thoughts/ experiences we learn from each others and this way we can help others and can give sympathy and empathy both.
Nowadays I am facing new shity things. I am tired of it. It makes me feel like that I am worthless I don’t deserve Beautyfull life. Now I really give up on everything . I give up on me , I give up on God. , I give up on my family members, I give up on love. I give on everything. I am tired. Of it. Nothing is clear. I don’t want to fase at all. Now the question is Who is gonna save me from this hell , because I know I am not able to face at all. I want to disappear. I am nothing. I don’t know how to engage with people. How to behave act and. React. I have and I do many good and Beautyfull different things. But they are nothing if I don’t know how to talk to people or engage with them. My whole soul is broken now. I can’t see a way. Today I realised I am nothing , I am worthless . My overthinking and stupidity made me psycho. Everything is playing with me. My trust faith , values Everything is zero. I really don’t want to live .
When I was 19 years old I was self loving person . All that I learn from Selena. That time I conquer so many psychological and physical fears. That was my first year of college. I never wanted to go there but I had to go. 2018 was a greate and huge year. My transformation was like a miracle. Everybody was shock and something I can’t describe. I learnt so many things and I knew my value . I didn’t repeate history when people used me so much. I was totally different person in the same place. My attitude , values , boundaries all were changed.
Storms were still in my life. If I say Storm that means I was in huge trouble mentally , physically and financially. 2018 was great and Beautyfull year for me. I learnt so many lessons and the things I learnt I used to implement them. I was in depression since 2015 But in 2018 won my battle within 4 months.I became a completely different person in 4 months.
There was one thing , I was not aware from that. I was in happy condition but not in happy place and I was not surrounded by good people. In 2018 everyone was shocked and surprised but I was not . They noticed so much and I did not noticed. That’s why I was like ooo hhh I did this or that thing in amezing and Great way but it’s ok it is not huge thing. This is normal , Everyone can do this. I didn’t choose good friends and After Depression I did not know what happiness was, I used to think that the feeling that is happening to me is happiness but I was satisfied. There was something missing.
I will write about it later
That year I received so much love and compliments from everyone. I was becoming a real lady but in 2019 I lost me and my spark .
In 2019 I lost me
Because my family was facing big financial and other problems . My sister was in another college . She was not with me . My mommy used to go school daily . That year I learnt so much from my mother. She is really a great and powerful lady. Her school was very far. The bus could go up to 10 kilometers for her school.She had to go through a mountainous route. The path was very rough and narrow. There were 300 m deep trench where many people had died after falling. She also had to go to school in the snow . I remember once the mother had an infection in one eye, then her one eye was remain closed, it did not open. But still she could see with one eye and go through that bad and Narrow way .I used to so much worry about her. She also went to school in the hot sun, She went to school even in the deep rain.
I could not spend time with Momi. I decided to stay at Granny’s house, I did not know that my decision would be the worst decision. That was the second biggest mistake of my life, I lost my beauty, charm, confidence, beautyfull voice and and my powerful behavior and so much things. I learnt there so much lessons . I still hate myself when I see photos of that year, I hate old RS . I have deleted my all videos and photos all memories of 2019. I never had such a day when I would be happy.There was no one to wipe my tears.Sometimes that year I felt that if I had found my gentleman, my burden would have been lighter. I could have shared some of my things or would have been happy for some time. I used to cry a lot. People I am living with were drastic and devil’s children. There was never a day when no one quarreled with me there. Those people were 20/30 years older than me, but they used to fight with me just like small children I had to get up at 4:30 AM in the morning, Then I had to get ready for college, At seven o’clock i had to leave the house And 3 kilometres had to walk. I used to take pleasure in it. But I did not like that my own relatives would fight with me. I try very hard to make a place in their heart But I failed And I learnt one lesson If someone doesn’t like you it’s meant they have made their mind to hate you, . You can’t change their mind Even if you do some sacrifice for them. They will hate you without any reason Even if you are the best person in the world .
This happens to all of us, we all meet such people. But the difference is that some people never get out of that bad marsh and some people very quickly get out of that marsh .
I was helpless to stay in that place. I used to regret a lot. I was given food for two times, they used to complain if I ate more food, . But I did not feel sad about all those things because I knew that I am a very good person My God was with me. But I did not know that I was suffering.I slowly lost my skills and I did not know.I thought I was fine but I was not well At that time, I thought maybe this is life , My condition was getting worse They used to accuse me falsely, I did not tell my mother all this Because i knew mumma wouldn’t trust me Mama will not be able to do anything if she trusts me too. I was choking at that place. I have suffered a lot there , I had forgotten the meaning of my life. I never felt that I am worthless but I felt that I had lost . It’s hard to gather broken pieces. I need to heel now . I am doing again those mistakes. I lost my way for them.
We all want to control our monkey mind . We want happiness and wanna live in present moment but this head noise disturbing us mentally .
Actually here are five hinderances. If we conquer this everything will be in our control.
. If you are not successful or calm or happy because of these five hindrances.
I am gonna explain it by this beautiful inspirational story.
Once upon a time , A woman was very beautiful active, intelligent and wise. Her name Was Me Arpna.
SHe heard from an old lady in her village that the mountain named Mainaak is very beautiful , Whoever goes there gets great amenities and all kinds of rare gems. She said that I will also go there and later on I will take my family also and live happily.
Old lady said— No my child , the path is very difficult and you can’t go.
Me Arpana— Why , I am young and wise. I can go.
Old lady — It is called ecstasy. Not everyone can reach there, Trillions people wanted to go there,Lost all the way Half a . million People lost halfway. Some people came back, some people got entangled in the Puzels and died there
Me Arpna —- I will go with my 6 friends .
She went with her 6 friends. When she reached the forest,
Gibberly said that this forest is magical Different types of trials have to be given here.
Marry —— Rare items are not easily found and that is why they are called rare items.
Indonesian said — oaky , we have both . Hahahaha .
Mehtangi —— yes , But for this we do not need external power Or much physical power You must have inner power This is the magic. — Promise we’ll all live together and reach the Mainaak mountain We will not leave each other and fight every difficulty .
Everyone said yes and went inside the forest. There they found an old tree. He said that I know that you want to go to Mount Manak, so I will teach you one.Thing You will get many distractions on the way But Don’t forget your goal .
Girls said thank you dear old tree.
They got hungry while walking,They were very tired, Disha beautiful restaurant. The restaurant was very beautiful . There was every comfort It was like a dream. Delicious food and its beauty captivated everyone They got what they asked for .
Rainista—–is this the rare mountain?
Pheona said — no. That is far away .
Everyone saw very beautiful scenes,
Rainista saw the beautiful castle, she said I do not want to go from here.
Rainista said~~~ I don’t want to leave .
Pheona said — no lets go. It is a distraction.
Rainista heard sweet music in the same restaurant Hearing the music, she said this is relaxing . I don’t want to go ahead . There is nothing better than this.
Pheona said — no lets go .this all is distraction.
Rainista saw Beautyfull pond She went inside that lotus filled pond
Rainista said _——– Do you all think that there can be something more beautiful than this. It is even more pleasant than MainaaK mountain. , you all go please. I got what I wanted .
Everyone explained to her but she did not listen, everyone left her and went ahead.
This is our first hindrance.
It’s called SENSUAl DESIRES.
EAR , NOSE , TONGUE , SKIN AND EYES ARE OUR FIVE SENSES . We are like Rainista we get distracted by our sensual desires. Rainista didn’t had control on her five senses that’s why she got distract and couldn’t move forward this same happens with us many times.
So First we need to control our Sensual desires.
SECOND HINDRANCE.(ILL WILL).
The way ahead was very bad. There was mud all over the place. suddenly rain starts.
Mehtangi said — o God , if this will continue I will give up . I don’t like bumpy roads, lightning , storm , mud , darkness scary wind and this path is full of troubles . There is nothing that I can like or love. Rainista was right . I wanted to live with her. I am stupid I choose the path of troubles and pain.
she was crying.
Me Arpna said— listen dear Mehtangi I know this path is not Beautyfull it is the place we are getting what we do not like, but if we have to go to Mount Mainaak then we will have to bear it all. Such small miseries come before happiness.
Mehtangi said — You are right. I will walk. I will not give up.
Next they saw , many people were staring them , there were scary mountains. Lightning was blazing. There was a huge river ahead. They all face more difficulties than before.
Mehtangi said — in order to cross the river I don’t know how to swim. Mehtangi was crying and she sad look what is happening. This is a sign that we should not walk ahead . People are staring us lightning was blazing , we don’t have deleceous food. It is not a pleasant and beautyfull journey I can’t tolerate this and I can’t go because it is hurting me. I don’t want this pain.
Peheona said— yes my dear, you are right this path is full of difficulties and trouble. Don’t give up we are all are facing this. Yes this journey is painful but beyond this journey there is ecstasy. These all are trials and cost for that ecstasy. Don’t give up.
Mehtangi said no, I give up. I can’t go forward.
This is our second hinderance it is called Ill will. We all are like Mehtangi. We don’t like bumpy roads, we don’t like sorrow, pain and rain. We don’t feel good when we don’t get what we like. We don’t like this and that. And we give up because of our ill will.
Remember– What ever it is you dislike would not make a pleasant journey. In order to move forward in order to be successful you have to do things that you don’t like. It is what it is. If you want a beautiful life and you want to do something great you have to face trials . So
let go this ill will.
THIRD HINDERANCE ( DUPLNESS /HEAVYNESS)—
All the girls started moving forward. Everyone was tired of walking. They all faced difficulties with ease .
There was snow everywhere.And there was also a river in the middle, they had to cross that river.
Indonesian— oh my goodness. I am so much tired. My body is heavy and now my mind is dull. I can’t think straight. .
Pheona— No, dear we all are tired . We all are facing the same now best is that we are very near to our aim.
Indonesian—– I wanna take rest I can’t go further. I am tired completely. I am feeling like I can’t move . I am done.
Me Arpna — Indonesian if you want to take rest you can take but don’t give up. After sometime we will again walk and we are very close to our destiny.
Indonesian — No , I don’t have that much stamina. You go , I will go back . I can’t walk I did enough I am happy for this journey and this time I am exhausted.
This is third hindrance it is called dullness heaviness. Heaviness of body and doulness in mind. It is common. Many times We can’t think straight and we feels like we can’t move. It is a reality that we are going to get down ourselves time to time but we must eventually get ourselves out .
Don’t give up take rest.when you feel burned out. Learn to rest not quit.
Indonasian went back she knew that she she is very close to her destiny but she gave up . She didn’t think twice or thrice.She just made her decision and went back. She just thought about her pain exhaustion but she didn’t think about ecstasy reward which she can achieve if she didn’t give up.
Forth hindrance is restlessness.
Pheona was very wise. While she was walking with her friends she was just thinking about Rainista , Mehtangi and Indonesian. Thoughts were coming from her mind to give up. She was very confused.
Pheona — hey girls , those three are not with us we are facing this shit here , and those three are in their happy places . May be they are happier and are in better places than us. Can’t we go back . My mind is kept saying there is no Rare mountain we should go back .
Marry — no Pheona , they gave up and yes now this time we are facing more problems and difficulties. Maybe those three are happier and in beautiful place then us. But for how long? There are Difficulties right now but later on we will enjoy more than them. They gave up just for a little pleasure.
Such is the beginning of greatness and great pleasures, Initially one has to suffer a lot but in the end it is very pleasant.
Pheona — okay। I understood. let’s go.
A lot of negative thoughts started coming to pheona’s mind. She had an endless chatter in her mind. SHe could not understand whether she listened to her mind or not. . But she was not able to understand that how to stop the thoughts that are raging in her mind. She tried to avoid the thoughts of her mind a lot, but later her mind was saying that she should not go further, Maybe the way is very bad, Even if she goes, she has everything, Had it been a rare mountain, it would have been visible. It’s probably a misconception Going forward, whether she will be able to stay alive or not Etc. she got very involved in them. And she felt that she really should not go further from here.
Later Pheona said — I am so sorry but I don’t think that there is a rare mountain named Mainaak . We all are waisting our time . My mind is saying we should go back .
Marri explained her a lot and also gave evidence of the truth of Mount Manak.But pheona said that that she is going back and she went.
This fourth hindrance is our monkey mind.our mind is a house of endless chatter many thoughts comes in our mind and we get confuse. In order to cease the endless chatter of our mind you need to settle your mind on the present moment.
Our fifth hindrance is sceptical doubt….
Sceptical doubts and restlessness of mind is different things. Both of these originate from mind but are different different.
Now Marri and Arpana were left only. On the way ahead they met to a girl.
Marry —- Hey who are you ? What are you doing here ? Did you go to Manak Mountain? What did you find there?
Girl said —
Marry— yes I am talking to you. Give me answer of my question s.
Girl—- I have never been there It is very difficult to get there but it is not even impossible. My grandfather had gone there. He told me that to reach there, many preparations have to be made.Are you both going thereThe
Girl—- From here both of you must go ahead alone. Only one of you will get that treasure. Manak mountain is a short distance away.
Marry — Dear Me Arpna I don’t know who will get that treasure .of ecstasy . But I wish you best of luck. Now both of us will go on different routes. Take care .
Marry choose left cave and Me Arpna choose Right cave.
Journey of Marry ::::: Marri got tired of walking. She saw a beautiful girl inside the cave. She was so beautiful Her body was glowing She looked like a nymph. Nymph had a baby lion in her hands.
Marri– I want to go to Mainaak mountain .Would you like to help me?
Nymph— I can not help you Only you can help yourself To get something in life, you have to fight alone. Yes, someone can help you, Someone can suggest you, someone can stand with you, But you have to fight yourself. . I’ll just tell you that all you have to do is win from your inner battle .Then God will help you in the difficulties outside.
Do not keep any kind of apprehension inside you only then You will reach your destination .
Marri reached a place where there was darkness. She went on continuously for two days . She sat in one place..She was thinking about her friends SHe thought everyone left her alone. My every friend gave up half way. What if i gave up too ?Am i ready for the difficulties ahead?
Marri was doubting her own abilities.She didn’t like her loneliness . She was still walking. Thus, walking in that dark dense forest, she saw a house . It was very old house. She decided that she would rest here for a while
Marri started walking again. While walking, she saw that she was coming out of that forest. She sees light ahead.
Then she followed the light and reached on a bridge . There a crow gave her red rose and said Beautyfull Beautyfull angel why are you walking so alone. It seems that you are a stranger but why are you looking in anger? .
Crow said— beautyfull Angel .
It is Just some distance away.
Marry – thank you .
Marri started walking forward. He later found a beautiful girl. Marri thought she had found a partner .
Mrri—- who are you ? Are you also want to go Mainaak mountain .
Maari— Mother , I felt so lonely . I was in fear and Dear mother I thought that I will die in that condition. Dear I want to go On Mainaak mountain. Give me directions .
Goddess of directions—- here is the way go my child here you I’ll understand everything . In actual this mountain Mainaak is not only treasure of gems but it is also a treasure of wisdom and lessons. On the way you learnt so many life lessons never forget them .once you will forget them you will again fall in trouble s. Here you will find something that is beyond any treasure. My blessings are with you my dear daughter. It is the end of this darkness and biggining of the light. I give you bright and beautiful dress . Now you are in light. And she disappeared.
Marri — Wow this place is a real heaven . Oh my lord my journey was worth it . Now my all pain has been ended. These all animals are Beautyfull .
It is the end of her journey it is happy ending. So question is —- what you learn from her journey . I am not gonna explain this hinderance because I have already explained it. ………….
So I told you about all five hindrances. We all face these five hindrances in our life. If you want to conquer these 5 hinderances you have to control your mind not by forcing this but with meditation or control on your desires. If you are happy come inside then outside noise not gonna affect you. But if you have noise inside then outside peace not gonna make you happy. Your happiness peace victories are within you . You don’t have that much problem outside but you have so much problems inside. Live for yourself means you are making your inner environment peaceful and happy. Live for yourself means you don’t like or want those stupid negative thoughts which are gonna make you mentally. Your mental health is important. Mental health means your mind is in your control you are not in control of your emotions are mind. You know what kind of food need your mind or brain. Mind food if positive thoughts and brain food is intelligent thoughts. Know your worth and values nobody is gonna come to to make us happy and victo
Don’t have fear of change. Embrace changes. We all should embrace changes. Let go and let in this is the best therapy . Let go bad habits and let in good habits. Let go old thoughts let in beautiful positive thoughts. Accept yourself whatever whoever you are. If you think you need change then change yourself and every area of your life where you find that you need change. So if you want to change yourself you need to do for saying that is the most important thing accept yourself, accept your bad habits, don’t love your bad sides and bad habits but accept . And accept that you need change you need to do work in these areas. Accept every aspects of your life whether it is happiness or sorrow in sorrow you need a strong powerful mind. We all have many disabilities . Most of us we have disable mind because we are in control of our mind. Everytime We don’t need therapy we need to control on our emotions and mind. If you have uncontrolled mind and you don’t have control on our emotions anyone can hurt you anyone can bully you bet you because you don’t take your stand, you don’t accept yourself people say you are ugly bad stupid scumbag and you cry why? Because you think that they know you better than yourself. You are here to live not to impress . If someone dont like you love you you don’t have to care about them. You love yourself your family members love yourself the people are most important in your life those love yourself that matters. Accept yourself and change yourself.
Grief comes in everyone’s life, but still people live, they do not lose hope and courage to live. Do you know why because they know There is a light beyond the darkness, Happiness is beyond suffering . When someone is surrounded by the ocean of sorrows, He feels that darkness has been covered in his life. But this does not actually happen. Sometimes we lose people who are very close to our heart, We hurt and cry for them , They always see us when we cry, They love us, they can’t us see us in pain , seeing us sad, Do you think they will be able to live in peace in the haven? No. Don’t cry and Do not give up hope of living life.. If you have given up in this misery, Stand up don’t give up. You are a Strong warrior.
You are in pain depression because you are surviving you are not living. You are just adjusting yourself according to your situations because your uncontrolledmind and uncontrolled emotions are saying that you will find happiness here and there. There is a huge lack of self discipline and self love. Always remember selflove always comes from self discipline and Self discipline comes from your wisdom
There are so many causes but the main cause was lack of wisdom. If you are wise then you know how to live. Live means live not survive.
Some people are finding job and some have already. Some wants money more to live luxurious lifestyle. But some have already.
But not everyone is happy in their life do you know why? Because they are chasing people things etc. They are finding happiness in other things but they don’t know that the source of the happiness is inside them.
You know there are so many rich people but sometimes you read in newspaper that a good actress, a good actor, a businessman/business woman lawyer ,doctor committed suicide.
They Did hard work to achieve their aim but some of them commit suicide and some of them become mental patient and some of them become unhappy in their life. They are not happy that’s why they are doing this
. And some fool like us think that they will find happiness when they will achieve their aim ,when they will achieve everything they want. If happiness in other things then why those people commit suicide those have everything they need.
So I hope you find that happiness is not in other things that is inside you. Yes relationship can be a source of happiness. Because that is most important thing in this world except you and your relationships.
Do you know what is the main cause of your sorrow and pain?
That is you your mind Your biggest enemy your uncontrolled mind. The main cause of your pain and sorrow is your mind and lack of wisdom.
A wise man always know how to live what is the life. Mind is In their control. your mind is saying do this you will find happiness do that you will find happiness this you will find happiness but at last you find that yes you are happy but you are not satisfied.
This is not enough you want more and more.
Your mind is not teaching you how to live your mind is teaching you how to survive.
Do you know the difference between live and survive.
Today you are in worry pain you want to get rid of this pain but you cant. You are saying you hate pain you hate worry you don’t want this life but you still doing old habits , old things those are making you worry those are putting you in pain. Because your mind is just thinking that you will find peace here you will find happiness there and you are listening commands and doing everything that your mind is saying. You are not taking action you are adjusting yourself here and there. A
A wise man knows if he is in worry or pain he is not feeling good where can he find peace. He Doesn’t lock himself in a room he doesn’t think about that shit he doesn’t do anything that give him pain that give him worry and stress. His mind is in his control. Emotions are in his control.
He knows his self worth value of his beautiful life. He knows one thing cannot destroy you.
Wise man Goes outside and spend time with himself and with nature. He doesn’t think what is wrong with him just sit outside and feels beautiful air and nature
But a fool person does opposite of this. New will be sitting Inna heaven he will still think about his worry about his problems you will never find any solution and happiness.
This is called Survival series this thing you will find happiness here you will find peace here but you are not taking any action you are just adjusting yourself according to situations and you are saying you are happy you are happy but you are not happy your mind is not in your control your mind is your enemy. You are living with an enemy . Then tell me how an enemy can show you right path?
You can have 100 friends but inside of you , you have uncontrolled mind then that one enemy is enough to destroy you. Make your mind your friend. Control your emotions. Be wise.
You are living present moment and you are happy. You are sitting alone in a park you are see many people are with their friends love ones but you are alone but you are still happy because you know you are enough. You don’t care who is judging you, you are doing everything that is making you happy and you are ignoring that every shit that is giving you negative Vibes, hurting you. You are giving 100% in your every task happily. Because you know maybe today is your best day tomorrow may not. If you are not happy with something then you are finding solutions. If you are leaving you know no you have to leave a present moment a present moment is always beautiful and good then past and future. Your mind is in your control. If something is going wrong with you , you are not thinking about that shit you are just thinking about yourself because you know your life matters you matter your family members matter your relationships matter.
You are not pleasing , chasing, expecting.
Live today live your present moment, laugh today Love Today, you don’t know you will see tomorrow or not. If today you are happy live this moment tomorrow can be worse.
If today you are in pain don’t live in paine , guilt. Control your emotions and mind. Find happiness , solutions , don’t think you are in a wrong place make this place happy . Whatever you are doing wherever you are going enjoy every moment because you don’t know tomorrow you will see tomorrow or not.
IF YOU ARE MENTALLY HEALTHY YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. PEOPLE WILL TRY TO LET YOU DOWN THEY WILL BULLY YOU BECAUSE THEY CANT SEE THAT YOU ARE DOING BETTER THAN THEM. IF YOU SEE THIS KIND OF PEOPLE ALWAYS REMEMBER IF SOMEBODY CAN NOT DEFEAT YOU BY DOING HARD WORK THEN THEY WILL TRY TO DISTURB YOU MENTALLY .
My question was if God love us why we need to seek him and why he put us in trouble?
From today’s incident I found my answer. Today I had so much pain in my heart. When I felt that this pain is increasing and increasing that time I thought maybe I am going to die and I I said to God I really don’t know God you love me or not you will say me or not it’s your choice because I’m done with my life. I don’t care about i live or not.
My pain was increasing and I thought if god loves me then he should end this pain.
Second thought came in my mind many times he saved me . I said God show me your love. But my pain was increasing and increasing. You know why because I was not seeking him not calling him wholeheartedly I was testing him. There was no need to test him. But I did it and my pain was increasing and increasing.
Later I thought that I want to live and I call him with my whole heart that save me please save me. Now my heart pain was decreasing decreasing
Today I found a relevant answer. I think if we will focus on them then we can find that what is faith?
1 God has never said that on Earth you will not face any problem or sorrow. But he promised us that in storm and every trouble he will be with us.
2 if we are facing storm GOD come very close us that time we should call god ,we should seek him ,we should pray because that time when we call and GOD help us and that time our relationship get stronger and stronger. Whenever clouds of suspicion and false belief hover over and when we remember that god has helped us many time he saved us many time and he will save us this time our faith gets stronger . That is why God always say that whenever you are in trouble when you are facing any storm I am very close to you but you have to call me you have to pray .
3 but sometime we don’t know what is problem behind us what can happen with us. That time god save us it shows his love because he knew that a big storm is coming toward you that is exactly behind you but you don’t know about your storm but he knows about it and he savee you even you don’t know about it. It is called his love because he cares about you. It shows his care love unconditional love.
Whenever your faith waver call him trust him. And remember how many times he had helped you because in sorrow we feel that God is not with us, God is not understanding us and sometimes , we think God exists or not. It happens many time with me I was just finding answer of this question but today from my pain I found answer.
When you are facing a storm speak to him prey say that you need him and he will help you.
It make our connection of a relationship stronger and stronger.
But when we don’t know what is problem what is behind are what kind of storm cyclon tsunami behind us he help us he Saves because he knew that you don’t know about the storm but he knows. It is his unconditional love.
Hold his hand , trust him , seek him , love him, live for him . He just want goodness love from you for animals and human.
IF YOU PRAY DON’T THINK TWICE JUST PRAY AND BELIEVE . HE IS MIGHTY.