1 month ago I was going to die. I was in pain , sorrow many things were traumatizing me. I was afraid of so many thoughts , My mind was very fickle ,I had a bad thought and a second thought In this way, my thoughts were mentally disturbing to me . And later my condition deteriorated . One thought Used to annoy me a lot.
I was very sad, I used to eat food once a day, I stopped taking my medicines, That feel was scary The thought that worried me that was vey painfull. That took away my happiness. I was also afraid of sleeping at night, I used to sleep at 2 AM in the night .
I used to cry all day, I did not get any pleasure in listening to songs, eating, talking, walking.I used to look up at the sky and say, God, if you want, you can kill me, my pain will end, I can’t live anymore i don’t have that much stamina . Either give me death or ….. you know exactly what I want. I used to feel suffocated when I was in my bedroom, I used to feel a little peace when I went out , But peace and happiness was nowhere, I didn’t feel happy at all. My heart beat very loudly,I started shaking, I also found it difficult to eat once a day I started eating very little , I used to hurt by my thoughts.
I used to keep trying to control the mind.I was watching a lot of videos to control my mind. .I write asked to everyone on WordPress, what is trust and hope ? Many people gave me Beautyfull answers and ” looking for light ” she gave me comfort and said hold his hand and I decided to hold his hand. Many other people gave me Beautyfull advises and some are written in my secret diary . Thanks to all of you . One thing I understood is that now I should hang out, I should make new friends But i don’t trust anyone so I neglected this idea.
I disides to go out and I did that.
But later my pain was increasing. And later i gave up . I decided to die. It was hard to sit , hard to talk, hard to sleep and eat. I was fasing pain of real hell.
One day I completely surrender myself to him and a beautiful journey started but that was not painfull but not easy.
I started meditation.
I will update it soon.