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When I lost Myself

When I was 19 years old I was self loving person . All that I learn from Selena. That time I conquer so many psychological and physical fears. That was my first year of college. I never wanted to go there but I had to go. 2018 was a greate and huge year. My transformation was like a miracle. Everybody was shock and something I can’t describe. I learnt so many things and I knew my value . I didn’t repeate history when people used me so much. I was totally different person in the same place. My attitude , values , boundaries all were changed.

Storms were still in my life. If I say Storm that means I was in huge trouble mentally , physically and financially. 2018 was great and Beautyfull year for me. I learnt so many lessons and the things I learnt I used to implement them. I was in depression since 2015 But in 2018 won my battle within 4 months.I became a completely different person in 4 months.

There was one thing , I was not aware from that. I was in happy condition but not in happy place and I was not surrounded by good people. In 2018 everyone was shocked and surprised but I was not . They noticed so much and I did not noticed. That’s why I was like ooo hhh I did this or that thing in amezing and Great way but it’s ok it is not huge thing. This is normal , Everyone can do this. I didn’t choose good friends and After Depression I did not know what happiness was, I used to think that the feeling that is happening to me is happiness but I was satisfied. There was something missing.

I will write about it later

That year I received so much love and compliments from everyone. I was becoming a real lady but in 2019 I lost me and my spark .

In 2019 I lost me

Because my family was facing big financial and other problems . My sister was in another college . She was not with me . My mommy used to go school daily . That year I learnt so much from my mother. She is really a great and powerful lady. Her school was very far. The bus could go up to 10 kilometers for her school.She had to go through a mountainous route. The path was very rough and narrow. There were 300 m deep trench where many people had died after falling. She also had to go to school in the snow . I remember once the mother had an infection in one eye, then her one eye was remain closed, it did not open. But still she could see with one eye and go through that bad and Narrow way .I used to so much worry about her. She also went to school in the hot sun, She went to school even in the deep rain.

I could not spend time with Momi. I decided to stay at Granny’s house, I did not know that my decision would be the worst decision. That was the second biggest mistake of my life, I lost my beauty, charm, confidence, beautyfull voice and and my powerful behavior and so much things. I learnt there so much lessons . I still hate myself when I see photos of that year, I hate old RS . I have deleted my all videos and photos all memories of 2019. I never had such a day when I would be happy.There was no one to wipe my tears.Sometimes that year I felt that if I had found my gentleman, my burden would have been lighter. I could have shared some of my things or would have been happy for some time. I used to cry a lot. People I am living with were drastic and devil’s children. There was never a day when no one quarreled with me there. Those people were 20/30 years older than me, but they used to fight with me just like small children I had to get up at 4:30 AM in the morning, Then I had to get ready for college, At seven o’clock i had to leave the house And 3 kilometres had to walk. I used to take pleasure in it. But I did not like that my own relatives would fight with me. I try very hard to make a place in their heart But I failed And I learnt one lesson If someone doesn’t like you it’s meant they have made their mind to hate you, . You can’t change their mind Even if you do some sacrifice for them. They will hate you without any reason Even if you are the best person in the world .

This happens to all of us, we all meet such people. But the difference is that some people never get out of that bad marsh and some people very quickly get out of that marsh .

I was helpless to stay in that place. I used to regret a lot. I was given food for two times, they used to complain if I ate more food, . But I did not feel sad about all those things because I knew that I am a very good person My God was with me. But I did not know that I was suffering.I slowly lost my skills and I did not know.I thought I was fine but I was not well At that time, I thought maybe this is life , My condition was getting worse They used to accuse me falsely, I did not tell my mother all this Because i knew mumma wouldn’t trust me Mama will not be able to do anything if she trusts me too. I was choking at that place. I have suffered a lot there , I had forgotten the meaning of my life. I never felt that I am worthless but I felt that I had lost . It’s hard to gather broken pieces. I need to heel now . I am doing again those mistakes. I lost my way for them.

I will update it soon.

Published by THERSHARMA

She is 22 years old and write about her experiences . she writes quotes, short stories and painting is her favorite thing . . She believes that writing is like a weapon , it connects us and make us feel like no we are not alone . like other great people we can rise and shine. it connects us.

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